I almost ran over a kid with an electric scooter at Ringstraße a while back. It was a sunny morning and this tourist couple was crossing the bike lane ahead of me, there really was no need for me to slow down; I was just listening to some music in my headphones like any other morning. And like on any other morning, many people are crossing the bike lane on Ringstrasse. But suddenly, just two or three seconds before I would have passed the couple, this tiny halfling runs across the bike lane with arms extended, reaching for mommy.

Well, mommy started yelling at the top of her lungs, and I slammed the brakes, stopping literal centimeters from the kid. The parents were shaking; I gave them a nod and kept going. I stopped in time, all good!

But it did get me thinking.

Why do I never yell at the top of my lungs?

Like, I have never. Not once. Except perhaps to signal someone in the distance to come over, but that’s not really the same is it.

Wouldn’t the situation have warrented a scream, or fear? Or like, a feeling of relief after narrowly avoiding tragedy? Anger perhaps, for reckless parenting? Maybe egoistic excitement for saving the day or having a story to tell?

I guess! Though probably I’m just very in control of my emotions and I needed to keep a clear head there so I kept a clear head.

I bet I would be a really good astronaut man. Like you’re on the ISS and oxygen is running low and you have to go on EVA to fix the generator, and you know that if you mess up, you will die. I bet I would ace that shit. I would just go out and fix it.

People have called me a robot on many occasions, like when I told friends I never experience boredom, or when I broke in to that abandoned house and my friend tells me I’m so courageous for not batting an eye and I don’t bat an eye, or when this girl would snuggle up to me during a scary movie but me myself I’m too austistic to be scared and too oblivious to be horny.

The thing is I have known about Alexithymia, or the difficulty identifying and feeling emotions internally, for a long time. The odd part is, for the better part of 30 years, I wasn’t even aware of having it. “Must be weird, not feeling any feelings”, I thought. How the fuck did I not notice? Guess I see all these emotions in other people all the time and sometimes mistake them for my own.

But yeah… I just don’t feel. I do recognize feelings relating to bodily sensations like hunger, pain, tiredness, having to take a piss etc, but other than that in my mind there exist just three emotions: neutral and neutral-happy, and panic.

Or, I didn’t know how to feel feelings, rather; the good thing is you can practice these things. After 3 1/2 years of lots of practice I’m still not at “neurotypical” level (hate the word) but it does get a lot better over time.

And I think it all boils down to classical conditioning.

The core gameplay loop is this: At the end of the day, reflect about all social interactions during that day. Identify spots where you were supposed to feel X, let’s assume X == annoyance. Reflect over what you felt, and then force yourself to feel annoyance over what happened. I mean you know what annoyance looks like right, just mirror that. You do that a couple of times, and then you’ll start to realize in the moment that hey, this is one of those moments where I should feel annoyed, and then you try to put yourself into that mindset.

Eventually the conditioning will kick in and the amygdala or whoever is in charge up there will learn to do what it’s supposed to do and eventually it will start to feel natural.

I remember a particular moment when I was learning anger… I came home after a night out and felt really angry about not getting a certain girl that evening. I got so into it that I punched holes into my wardrobe, my knuckles were bleeding and everything.

For other people this might be a sign of anger management issues, but I felt really accomplished after it happened! Maybe this shitty ass brain of mine has capacity to feel all these feelings after all.

And feelings really are great. Especially the more subtle, nuanced ones.

I’ve grown quite fond of nostalgia, reactivating those old neural pathways feels like discovery and at the same time cozily familiar. And that very specific feeling of wandering the streets at 4am on a summer night… It’s a mix of feeling protective as you look over the city as it sleeps; serenity and solitude as this bustling space is just yours for one moment; childlike wonder as you get to notice all those details that are lost to you during the day; and deep relaxation as your hectic day is about to wind down.

Yeah.

Not sure why I felt like writing that down. Perhaps someone can relate.